Welcome to my head.
These are some unsorted logs from a document I call *On The Inside.* I call them notes from Hana to future Hana.
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** Okay … I went on a first date yday. He tried to kiss me. I got flustered and blurted out, “I don’t want to kiss you.” 9.11.
** When I hear that song, I see the back of your t-shirt tossing around in the wind. You’re speeding on your bike just to be faster than me. You can be so childish sometimes. I’m the one to talk, huh? I see us parting ways on the dark road. You sent me a kiss, and I sent you a heart, letting go of my handlebars. I remember how I felt watching you. You slowed down to ride beside me, and you looked at me. We were both laughing. The wind was strong. It felt so loud. The world was in a blurry motion, and everything felt so fast, but my reality had come to a complete stop. You were the only thing I could see. I brought a hand up to my chest. I just wanted to keep looking at you, because in that moment I felt like I had everything. 7.11.
** I like to study. I think I’m my father’s daughter. Apparently, he once told my mother, “If I could wish for only one thing in the world, I would wish to be wise.” 6.11.
** When I was growing up, I always wondered if there’s someone exactly like me. I remember late nights in the frame of my open window, sitting there with a cigarette (yeah, I’m not proud of smoking during my teens but it is what it is), wondering if I’ll ever meet a girl like me. Specifically a girl—like a twin. And I thought, “In the billions of ppl out there, there must be at least one.” 4.11.
** My friends are idiots. 25.10.
** As long as I have my safe space, the world will be alright. Night rides. Drawing. My rooftop at dawn. Safe space is not where you actually go. It doesn’t even have to be a “place,” it can be a person, an activity, a hobby. To me, a safe space is a thought of you in that place. It’s a state of mind. I don’t go there every time I need to be saved—because I don’t like to spoil it. But thinking about those places pulls me out. 16.10.
** Btw, Luka’s sentence, “My emotional wellbeing doesn’t depend on other people and external things,” is incredibly universal. It always grounds me. I should get it tattooed. On my forehead or sth. Okay, seriously. That statement is so true. 12.10.
** Whenever I write, I just feel so happy. I’d almost dare to say, it’s as good as riding motorbikes. 10.10.
** Also, remember how I told you I was ignoring my accountant? Months ago? My company is facing legal enforcement now. I want to say “Yikes.” 10.10.
** If its not an instant yes, its a no. 11.9.
** Every time a guy asks me out at a cafe I’m thinking, “What do the bartenders think?” Are they like, smiling to themselves? Have they seen it coming? Do they have their theories of how it’s gonna turn out between us? Being a bartender is like watching a movie irl. 6.9.
** Love, loyalty, trust, respect. 6.9. *And fun
** Sometimes, it’s nobody’s fault. 4.9.
** What happens in other people’s heads? How does the life there look? 3.8.
** Is life just a battle between good and evil? Are we all just stuck fighting darkness with our light? Every person is good. Nobody is born evil. Jim says there are people who are evil, but I don’t see it. I see yin and yang. A blank page you can paint in any color you want. The problem is dark colors feel stronger, and it takes effort to erase them. So I think people sometimes choose to embody them instead. 31.7.
** I made a complicated, unconvetional order in a cafe, like I always do. When the waiter brought me my drink, he goes, “I would like to know how it tastes.” I look at him and go, “Well, you can taste it.” He stared at me before he started to laugh. It was funny. A guy next to us started to laugh too. 28.6. Also, the waiter ended up asking me out.
** Think of something outrageous. Something that on the first go, you immediately dismiss, bcs it’s unconventional in your head. And then think about it again, and say yes to that idea. That’s one way I’d define stepping out of comfort zone. 10.6.
** Dark night. Dim lights. No people. Just the bench and the ceiling. And I was just … sitting there, taking all my feelings in. Just like that, I knew I loved you. 6.6.
** I have no right to judge anyone. 4.6.
** I have not felt such admiration for a woman in a while. This pretty, silly yet confident-looking, Chinese-looking asian with a ponytail, running at Angkaew. I don’t know who she was, but she seemed to be happy, just for herself. 4.6.
** We want to be offline. Throw our phones away. We’ve been enslaved. This addiction—it’s not our choice. And to break free has been made nearly impossible. 30.5.
** Think less. Observe more. 29.5.
** “Yet?” So when? You have to start having fun—now. No more excuses. Not a single one. Its never gonna change. You’ll always have stuff you want to finish. I’m gonna swim thru life, have fun, and along the way, I’ll achieve all my dreams. 29.5.
** Zooming in. Zooming out. Powerful writing means zooming in on details of moments and memories. 24.5.
** Its not a waste of time if you’re having fun. 24.5. I was thinking whether I’m wasting time riding my bike so much. But no. It makes me feel so damn enthusiastic. I can’t even describe the joy. No way that’s me wasting my life—that’s what makes me feel the most alive.
** I love unfinished stories. They never end. The feelings linger forever. 24.5.
** Apologies, maam, I can’t date your son. He refuses to wear a helmet. I’m not going to risk he’s gonna crack his head open and I’ll end up never being able to love again. 19.5.
** I don’t need to text you all the time, you live in my heart. 23.5.
** It can only hurt your feelings if what they say is true. If it’s not true, don’t get offended. 30.4.
** “Go. And don’t come back. Next time I may kill you.” I told that to a spider whom I just brought out of my apt instead of killing him. It took a lot of effort. 23.3. I don’t like spiders.
** This age is fucked up. A man saying “I’m a man” makes people offended. How did humanity even come to this? 23.3.
** Today, I said, “Excuses. Now you’re just listing problems, you’re not solving them.” 21.3. I think that pretty much sums up my mindset.
** I value honesty over sugarcoating. I believe it is better to hear the truth even if it may be hurtful at first. 20.3.
** Swallow your damn pride Hana. 18.3. Good job.
** Just because nobody’s ever tried it before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. 15.2.
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** Here we go. The final round of 2025. Someone once asked me “So is it creation when u ride your bike?” Because I told the person I love to create, after telling him how much I love to ride my bike. I dunno, is it? 1.12.
** Can I devote my life to creativity and my health? 1.12.
Happy New Year!
That’s about who I am. Honestly, don’t take me too seriously. Half of the time I don’t even know what I’m doing.