James. My world is kind of falling apart these days. But it’s not falling apart because of you. In fact, you are one of the few things that make it feel stable.
***
Sarah stood next to a small grove. Roofs of dirty outskirts stretched below the hill, and silhouettes of skyscrapers rose in the distance. A curvy road ran on the other side, leading toward the mountains she still hoped they’d one day escape to, even after all these months of feeling like nothing would ever be okay again.
“Sarah,” James said. “I told you to leave.”
She hadn’t seen his face in months. His words were absurd—his voice felt unnecessarily harsh, and he kept pushing her away. It felt strange. The world was still tilted. And yet, staring into his eyes made it all feel irrelevant.
“I’m serious,” he said. “I’m not going back with you. Get out of here.”
Sarah clenched her fists. “Stop it. Stop saying that.”
His expression stayed hard.
“James. Please …”
“You’re a fool if you stay in the city,” he said and turned toward the motorcycle waiting for him on the road.
She caught his arm.
He turned around. “I said go away!”
“James …”
“For God’s sake, woman. Get out of here—”
“You’re the one who’s being stubborn!” she yelled over him.
He stopped, frowning. She frowned back at him. Then her frown softened. “Don’t you get it?” She lowered her voice. “I won’t stop loving you because you need me.”
Nothing on his face moved. He watched her for what felt like an eternity, and she couldn’t make sense of what was happening in his head.
Finally, he closed his eyes. “I don’t need you,” he said. “I just love you.”
Anger flared. Sarah wanted to scream—she tilted her head back, clenching her fists. Then she looked at his face again. “James.” She steadied her tone. “You have to stop. This is not about you or your pride. You have to know when it’s enough.”
His gaze stayed hard.
“People are strongest when they’re together,” she said. “Why don’t you get it? I cannot reach you there. You’re trying to fight it on your own—but this is bigger than both of us.”
He just stared at her.
“James.”
He didn’t say anything.
“Stop being ridiculous. You can’t climb out of hell alone.”
Nothing.
James crossed his arms. “Would you really want me …” his voice was disapproving, “to use you like a ladder?”
She smiled slightly. “Do you really need to ask?”
They stared at each other.
Sarah looked aside. The midnight city looked almost peaceful at this moment. Lights twinkled, and the sound of the roads made it feel alive.
“You do this every time,” she said quietly. “You always want to protect me.” She looked back at him and her voice hardened. “But you don’t have to. Let me fight this with you. I’ll survive. James—I’ll survive anything, and once we’re back home, I’ll rebuild the part of myself that has to be sacrificed.”
She took a step closer, touching his cheek. “We’ll grow our little garden again. We’ll laugh at Harold’s jokes, and Tamara will tell us to get married. We’ll be happy again. But before that happens, you must face the fact that …” She stopped talking. The pain in his eyes had grown unbearable.
He stared at her for a long time. She thought he was considering it. She hoped he’d take her with him, that he’d finally realize how much he needed her help.
James turned around. “No,” he said.
He walked to the road, sat on his bike, and rode away.
***
I was never considering it. I was just looking at your face, because it was so beautiful, and I knew it might be the last time I saw it.
James put his gun down and sat on the ground next to it. He rested his arms on his knees as he drew them up, looking at the night sky above him. The alley was dirty. Trash was flying in the wind, and the air was humid, smelling of piss and pollution. He could hear the cars driving down the highway a few streets away. They were looking for him.
There was a part of him that wished he could give up. He would crawl into her embrace, and hide there forever. He laughed at his own absurdity.
He glanced at the gun lying peacefully on the concrete, and stroked the cold metal with the same gentleness he always stroked her skin. Sarah didn’t realize she couldn’t save him. She’d just die for him. But that was the worst part. She loved him so much she’d be willing to do it.
James smiled. She was a fool. A bubble of light in a storm of darkness.
He lay down, resting his arms under his head. She was simply too good. It was her greatest strength—she’d die before she’d give up on light. The bravest warrior. He smirked. The most naive one.
He closed his eyes. The night was cooling his skin. The wind brushed his arms, bringing a few odors of the dirty neighborhood. The awful uncertainty felt suffocating. It now felt heavier than ever before, harder than yesterday, and the day before. Everything could fall apart in a heartbeat. A snap of the fingers—that was all it took for everything to shatter. But right now, it didn’t feel like a real problem. James thought about her face, and somehow, everything else just felt irrelevant.